Surf fights are dumb. Objectively, they just are. Human beings out in the ocean, all trying to do something that is one of the coolest experiences in existence — standing on a piece of foam shaped by another human being’s hands with the sole purpose of gliding through water — and getting so caught up in the self-importance of it all that we get angry with each other when somebody may or may not interfere. Accidentally, on purpose, it doesn’t matter. It’s worth the rage, we reason.
Nobody’s immune to it. It’s happened to the best of us. One such instance was recently relayed by comedian Tom Segura, who talked about a tussle on a July episode of Your Mom’s House. Sterling Spencer posted a short clip of the tale on TikTok, so I figured I’d dig up the full convo. Because, again, surf fights are dumb, but stories about surf fights are amusing, especially when told with a totally deadpan delivery because they probably didn’t actually happen.
“It was over a wave,” Segura told his wife, Christina Pazsitzky.
Her immediate response, funny enough, was, “Because you’re a surfer dude now.” She gets it.
“I was going to take a wave and this guy was like, ‘that’s mine,'” he continued, outlining the foundation of basically every single conflict ever held in a lineup. “I’m like, ‘what are you talking about?’ And then I started to paddle out, and he f**king flipped out. He pulled out a switchblade. He swung at me with it. Like scraped the side of my face. I hit him. I don’t think he surfed away, he kinda floated for a minute, and then I left.”
Does anything sound familiar about Tommy’s fight? Yuppie insect like me simply minding my business when an agro local suddenly pulls a switch blade out of his wetsuit? Absolutely no details of escalation worth sharing between “my wave” and grabbing for that switch blade? Hmmm, great story, Tom. And only one agro local came after you? But Anthony Keidis was nowhere to be found? No zen-like shaman bestie running in to warn them to back off, seriously?
For context, Pazsitzky had just told Segura a story of getting into a fight with a 20-year old, or a 14-year old, she couldn’t remember. But that young person had called her a boomer. And Pazsitzky is a proud Gen Xer, so she fought that potential minor. That was the story, at least, until she admitted to Tom that her giant sunglasses and hat weren’t actually there to cover up a black eye, she’d just had plastic surgery.
So, did Segura’s surf fight happen? Doesn’t matter, because surf fights are still dumb, but stories about them always entertain.
Editor’s Note: Johnny Utah is an “Eff-Bee-Eye” agent and an expert in satire. More of his investigative work can be found here.
