Hi. We’re Al and Ted. We had a conversation about how we should cover Pipe a few days ago. We flew to Hawaii, so we thought we should probably at least show up to the Greatest Show on Earth. And it’s pretty amazing, actually. We thought that it would be. Anyways, there really is a lot more to this contest than the wave itself. We’ll get an actual photographer’s photos to show you the surfing action, but for this piece, enjoy these photos of human excrement, bloody sheets and dogs wearing hats.
Ted: There are four of us in one hotel room and Al drinks constantly, smokes occasionally and seeps from reef scrapes he sustained yesterday at V-land. Otherwise, he’s a pretty decent roomie. Here is Al’s dried blood seepage.
Alex: This is an outhouse from a company called Paradise Lua, which is ironic. The inside is a violent mash of excrement, tampons and even more disgusting unrecognizables. It was so awful, in fact, that after I peed on top of the pile – which was verging on overflowing after only a few short hours – that I decided to wait in the line again to take this photo. I was aware, though, that taking a picture of the inside of a toilet may seem odd to some people, so after I took it, I was forced to stand there for an appropriate peeing time (30 seconds, give or take five), breathing the insides of however many hundred people and dry heaving before exciting while pretending to do up my belt, for authenticity’s sake. Totally worth it.
Ted: It is rare to meet a media person who enjoys covering events. We procrastinated going to the comp all morning. I learned some of the “Single Ladies” dance. Then we made a pitstop at Ted’s Bakery. These donuts are still warm. Eating them is the happiest I will be all day.
Alex: This is Ronnie Coco. He makes hats, obviously. Really cool hats that look like they’d take weeks to make, but they only take about fifteen minutes. Ronnie’s a yacht engineer that loves making hats, so he engineers yachts for ten months out of the year, then makes hats in the sand for the rest. He worked on Dave Thomas’s (yeah, Wendy’s Dave) wife’s yacht, which is weird. That yacht floats on mass obesity and diabetes!
Ted: The guy in the background is called Fish. He sells coconuts out of the back of his truck. Here’s what he has to say about his sign: “I found a Blockbuster that was actually open! I had to take something from it.”
Ted: This is Tim Hogan. He has the most virile lens on the beach. Look how big his smile is. Tim also pioneered The Fin Project, which is awesome.
Alex: This is a dog in a hat. He was dragging his head through the sand trying to get it off, but only succeeded in getting lots of sand in his eyes. He looked unhappy and slightly embarrassed about his hat, because he is a dog and doesn’t need one, especially one without a brim. Also, dogs don’t believe in Christmas, so it seems weird to have this much festivity on his head.
Ted: This child was the quickest minnow to get to a broken board. He was the happiest creature on the entire beach.
Alex: This is Tanner Gudauskas’ beard. I like how square it is. Round beards make a man’s head look fat, but a square one makes a man look like he drinks whisky and works on trucks in a flannel shirt, or does pushups with suspenders on. Tanner Gudauskas must do all of those things.
Ted: This man’s job is to hold the light reflector for a camera crew that interviews surfers after their heats. Note the look on his face: it is the distilled essence of industrial grade boredom.
Ted: This is Gabriel Medina. He regularly moves over water with more skill than Jesus. His last wave was a technical-looking barrel to an alley pop. The crowd went crazy. He rode the wave all the way to the shore and just basked in the adulation. When he stepped off his board and onto the beach to receive his acolytes, the announcers told him that there were still three minutes left in the heat. He turned around and paddled back out.
Ted: I have no idea what’s going on here.
Be sure to stay tuned for more important coverage from The Billabong Pipeline Masters.
See day 2, in which we find a clean bathroom and play with a dead frog.
See the lay day, in which we kicked little girls off rope swings and hated rainbows.
And see the finals day, in which we were attacked by cockroaches and got neck tattoos.
Onsite coverage for the 2013 Billabong Pipe Masters is made possible by Surfbreakrentals.com. Don’t worry guys, we won’t mess up your house. Wink.