Hi. We’re Al and Ted. We’re doing some coverage of the Billabong Pipeline Masters. So far, though, we’ve pretty much managed to get some shots of toilets and dead frogs. Today was a lay day for the Pipe contest, so we decided that we’d do some big wave training for the upcoming swell. Training is difficult though, so we mostly just ate radioactive fish and scowled at rainbows.
Al: This is Ted doing a handstand. It was supposed to be some kind of preparation for our rock running, I think. Initially, it was going to be a picture of him stretching, but he just stood on his hands instead. Then it turned into a bit of a contest, which I lost because of dog poo. It’s worse stepping on dog poo when you’re doing a handstand. We didn’t do any rock running on our hands, so I’m not sure how necessary this is.
Ted: This is Al cross training with a beer at 10 in the morning. That’s a clove cigarette in his mouth, which I haven’t seen anyone smoke since I was in high school and smoking was cool. Somehow he pulls it off and I feel slightly jealous.
Al: This is Ted running with a rock. We went to Waimea Bay, because that’s where people do this, apparently. Ted’s handstand did something for him, because he was much better at it than me. I have the lung capacity of a kitten, and everyone knows they can’t hold their breath for shit. You know how they do in bathtubs or rivers. Not so hot. But he stepped on an urchin, so he got his. Ha ha, Ted. You have a foreign body stuck in your foot!
Ted: This is me trying to dig one of three urchin spines out of my foot with a diabetes lancet. I was feeling pretty macho about my rock running until I stepped on an urchin. Then I limped back to shore and acted like I got something in my eye so Al wouldn’t know I was tearing up.
Ted: This is Al running with a rock. God knows how he is smiling this much thirty feet underwater with his cancer lungs. I took this picture while not wearing goggles and even I could see that smile.
Al: This is Ted eating shrimp scampi. We had big plans to continue on with our big wave training day, but Giovanni’s food truck in Haleiwa is too delicious and has too many flies to pass up. Ted shared his plate with me and gave me the last shrimp, so now I’m indebted to him. He’s going to ask me to kill someone, I know it. That shrimp was not worth someone’s life. Unless Gilbert Gottfried and Roseanne Barr had a baby. This shrimp would be worth that life. It’s very good shrimp, and that would be an awful baby.
Ted: This is our chauffeur, Zach. He has disgusting feet. Granted, most of the disgusting comes from cutting them on sharp reefs, but they were pretty nasty before all that too – note the wonky little piggy on the right foot. On the way to Waimea Bay, he told us a story about getting struck by lightning as a young boy at diabetes camp. I could go into greater depth, but it just gets weirder.
Al: This is an Asian man dressed completely in pink taking a selfie. He has amazing selfie-stance. I’m not sure, but the angle of his neck makes me think he’s doing the best duck face I’ve ever seen. Imagine the pucker! The drooped eyelids! The demurely lowered chin, dripping with shrimp scampi! This man’s Facebook will have sex written all over it tonight after he gets back to his hotel and uploads this photo to it.
Ted: This is the classic North Shore still life. Smoothie, Acai bowl and juice. It’s impossible to go a day here without somebody either asking you if you love one of these things, or telling you that they love one of these things. Turns out, people love fruit. Who would have thought?
Al: This is the Red Bull truck. This is also the most obnoxious truck I’ve ever seen. Unless they have hidden gun turrets and Mad Max inside, it is stupid to have this truck. If they do, however, have hidden gun turrets and Mad Max inside, it is the coolest truck ever made. I’ll bet myself $100 dollars they’ve never used that winch for anything. “Hey, let’s get a huge truck, paint it matte black, and throw a winch on it! We’re so into extreme sports! You guys want to go base jumping then punch each other in the mouths to show each other how high our pain thresholds are?”
Ted: This is a Japanese couple we saw walking past Wailua Bakery. Many Japanese tourists come to Haleiwa because it has some history and is full of nice places to eat local food, many of which are owned by second or third generation Japanese entrepreneurs whose families originally immigrated to work on the sugar plantations. ie: the famous Matsumoto Shave Ice store. People are often reticent to have their photos taken by strangers, especially ones who look like Al and me. But this couple…I think we made their day.
Al: This is Ted with some large whole tunas in front of him and some very small bits of not-whole tuna in his hand. Ted loves poke. I agree with him, although sometimes I get scared of Fukushima’s radiation and don’t eat it for a while until I’ve forgotten that we ruined our earth, our oceans are being poisoned daily, there’s nothing we can do about it, and I will almost certainly see some kind of horribleness in my lifetime because of it. But when I forget that, then I can eat tuna again, which is nice. It’s the little things, you know?
Ted: This is Al on Mikala Jones’ rope swing. Alex never met a rope swing he didn’t like. We were hanging out in Mikala Jones’ front yard watching Rocky Point and Alex actually kicked Jones’ daughter off the swing so he could have a go. What a dick.
Al: This is Ted not giving a shit about a rainbow. He told me himself: “Am I the only one who doesn’t give a shit about rainbows?” Yes, Ted.
Onsite coverage for the 2013 Billabong Pipe Masters is made possible by Surfbreakrentals.com. Don’t worry guys, we won’t mess up your house. Wink.