Senior Editor
Don't do it, Gerard.

Don’t do it, Gerard.

The Inertia

Hey Gerard Butler, I have a bone to pick with you. You seem like a pretty nice, intelligent guy. Great beard growing capabilities, by the way. Also, even though they were CGI’d or something, your abs in 300 turned me into a giggling school girl or a jealous high school kid. Not sure which. It was very confusing.

Anyway, here’s my point of contention. I heard recently that you’re going to star in a Point Break movie. What in God’s name makes you think that a Point Break remake or a Point Break II is a good idea? Did you watch the original? Does it seem remake-able? There are only a few movies that sit in Point Break’s realm of perfection. True Romance, for one (I will personally lead an assassination attempt on who ever decides a remake of that is a good idea, by the way). Starship Troopers. Cocktail, Days of Thunder, and Top Gun. Notice anything? All cult classics, and all off limits to remakes and sequels, Gerard.

Rumor has it that you’re going to play Bodhi. You’re good, G (can I call you that?), but you’re no Swayze. Take a look in the mirror. See that handsome mug staring back at you? IT’S NOT SWAYZE’S MUG. Go watch Roadhouse. Go watch Ghost. Then go watch Chasing Mavericks and P.S I Love You. I dare you to sit through P.S. I Love You. How much did you hate filming that? Did you hate it as much as I hated watching the first 20 minutes before I threw up in my mouth and stabbed my eyes out with my own thumbs?

You’re a real blue flame special, aren’t you, son? Young, dumb, and full of cum, I know. Guess we must just have ourselves an asshole shortage, huh?

How much did they offer you for a Point Break remake, anyways? I hope it was enough to retire on. Actually, it probably is. It’s probably enough for a lot of people to retire on all at once. Come to think of it, you made enough to retire on with P.S. I Love You, didn’t you? Ugh, Hollywood is awful. They should have taken money from everyone involved in that movie and publicly shamed them in Times Square.

This is not some job flipping burgers at the local drive-in, Gerard. Yes, your surfboard bothers me. And yes, your approach to this whole damn movie bothers me.

So you’re not worried about money, unless you have a secret gambling/substance/sex addiction, which would be pretty awesome (not for you, but for the hungry public who feeds off the misfortunes of celebrities like you). You clearly like movies, because you are an actor. You like surfing, or so I’ve heard. So what are you doing? You’re shitting on something beautiful! Point Break is beautiful! You’re shitting on it! Why would you shit on it!?

I just don’t understand. You wouldn’t re-paint the Mona Lisa, would you? Would you rebuild the Eiffel Tower? Yeah, I compared Point Break to the Mona Lisa (Tyler Endicott’s smile is almost as mysterious) and the Eiffel Tower (Gary Busey’s teeth are almost as tall).

Whatever, Gerard. Do what you want (don’t do what you want, not in this case). Shit on Swayze’s grave (don’t actually shit on his grave). I don’t care (I do care). But I promise you this: If I ever run into you at a beach shower at Latigo (long workable rights), I won’t tell you that locals rule and that yuppie insects like you shouldn’t be making this movie, because THAT would beeee a waste of time. I’m just going to fuck you up. (Not really. It’s a movie quote… IF YOU SAW THE PERFECT, UN-REMAKEABLE FILM Point Break, you’d know that. And what are you scared of, anyways? Didn’t you see your abs in 300?).


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