Senior Editor

The Inertia

There are few things worse to a man than nether region-related injury. It comes in a variety of forms, which I will elaborate on for the women in the audience who may not be as well-versed in penile pain as say, someone with a penis. In general, it can be broken down into two groups: the thudding, deep-seated agony of a swift kick to the nuts, or the sharp, merciless pain of the tip-whip. The former is a little longer lasting. A solid blow to the balls will make you feel as though you’re about to barf them out of your mouth. It will make you incapable of speaking, rational thought, or movement. The tip-whip, as the name infers, happens when the tip is whipped. The pain is similar to what a hot dog might feel (if hot dogs could feel) when the barbeque heats up enough to split the skin. A man in China, however, has added a whole new level to the tip-whip. His tip was literally whipped by a stingray when he was reportedly visiting the Chinese province of Hainan.

Now, if you have been through the searing horror of a stingray sting, it has probably been on your foot or ankle. Stingrays lie quietly in the sand, hoping for the water to get a little warmer, a bit of food to float by, and wishing they’d get stepped on less. Oh yes, you may know the stingray shuffle, but you are in the minority. The rest of the population simply tromps around in the ocean, blindly stepping wherever they please while stingrays dodge their big, fat, clumsy feet like Neo dodging bullets. But the pain they inflict when they do decide to sting a foot is nearly impossible to describe. Branding iron heat, throbbing its way from foot to hip, grinding through joints and bones on the way. It is sheer agony. Luckily, it’s (comparatively) short-lived and (comparatively) easily taken care of with a bucket of hot water. So now, if you will, smash together the excruciating pain of the tip-whip, the throbbing horror of the blow to the balls, and the white-hot burn of the stingray sting and apply it to the groin region. Do you not feel sorry for the man in China?


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