Here’s a guy who takes the piss out of that ridiculous phrase ‘Surf Journalism.’
My name’s Johnny Utah and I uncover the hardest-hitting of hard-hitting stories in everyday life. I’ve been doing it since 2016, as a matter of fact, and I gotta say few things get me revved up quite like investigating ragtag groups of underdogs who team up to tell valley kooks how much locals rule and yuppy insects shouldn’t be surfing their break.
I also love breaking stories about brave individuals who attempt to paddle from Bells to New Zealand. I love these stories because more than reporting the latest headlines that only concern a stickered-up brofessional, my stories tackle the essence of surfing for the Average Joe and his shaka-tossing friend, Average Jane. My writing looks at the intricacies of our common pains and our shared joys, like tackling the ocean’s unique ability to stop serving set waves – when waiting for one could make you late for work. Or the relatable fear of handing your surfboard over to an airline baggage handler, knowing full well you’ve signed its death warrant and paid $100 for the privilege.
My stories are real. My stories are supported by science. My stories break the internet. Like these 10:
New Study Finds That When You Say ‘One More Wave’ in Your Head, Ocean Knows to Shut Down
Ever tell yourself “one more” and the ocean proceeds to go flat? A new study finds that may not just be a coincidence. Photo: Tim Marshall/Unsplash
Guinness World Records Adopts Hawaiian Scale; Biggest Wave Ever Surfed Now Officially 2 Feet
Consult the scale. It’s two feet. Case closed.
Surfer Dodges Airline Baggage Fees With ‘Emotional Support Surfboard’
San Diego man, Alex Kelly, 28, successfully dodged excess baggage fees on a flight from Los Angeles to Hawaii, claiming his surfboard was for “emotional support.”
New Study Finds 100 Percent of Surfers with Beating Hearts Pee in Their Wetsuits
If you have a beating heart, you pee in your wetsuit.
Man Sets Record for 853 Consecutive Dawn Patrol Checks Without Surfing; Still ‘Too Much Tide’
Man Pushed Off Cliff for Incorrectly Calling Famed California Surf Spot ‘Steamers’ Too Many Times
Illustration by @suckitalex // original image: Sean Ruttkay
Captured Bank Robber Who Claims He’s Bodhi Evaded FBI for 26 Years
Bodhi, who had been living under the alias Angelo Pappas, was apprehended when an attempted bank robbery went awry in a small New Zealand town.
Surfer Berates Instagram Account for ‘Blowing Up the Spot’ He’s Posted Photos Of
Anything for a few likes, right?
Breaking: Canada Announces That Its Border Wall Is Already Finished
Canada showed of its unique ability to organize, urging the White House to take note.
New Scientific Research Confirms Waves Were, In Fact, ‘Better Yesterday’
“…definitely shoulda been here yesterday.” Photo: JP Van Swae
Editor’s Note: Johnny Utah is an “Eff-Bee-Eye” agent and an expert in works of satire. More of his investigative work can be found here.